Final Draft: Under Blinded Eyes, Lies Heartbreaking Lies...

The wind was blowing everywhere, and the sky was turning dark quickly on a cold Monday night. Charles sat on the couch, thinking about everything. He didn’t understand why his wife would cheat on him.  His friend Marie told him she cheated, but he trusted his wife so much, that he thought she would never do that. Charles dark face turned to his wife Analiz’s face, giving her a piercing stare. His eyes became narrow as he stared into her hazel eyes. Charles looked around the living room, at all the furniture, and pictures everywhere. He looked at the life him and Analiz had built together. It brought salty tears to his smooth skin when he thought of what she had done. He couldn’t hold back any longer, and decided to speak up.

“Analiz…”

“What?” she replied.

“What’s going on with Tom? I heard you’ve been creeping around with him.” Charles said in a soft tone.

Analiz’s faced turned red, and she responded, “Why would I do that you idiot. You know I love you, and that it okay. How about you and Marie? I’ve heard you’re always all over her at work. And those texts. Don’t try to make me the bad guy.”

“Hey I never did anything with her, so watch your mouth” Charles screamed. Now his face was turning tomato red, and his palms began to drip with sweat.

“Charles stop lying to me. I’m over it. You think I’m cheating? I take care of your child all the time.  I cook and clean. What else do you think I will do?”

“Invite guys over. Ask Ms. Noseyus, the next-door neighbor. She told me about people coming into the house when I’m working.” Charles yelled.

“Charles! Why can’t you understand she’s a liar! You know that stupid neighbor hates me to death. Why would you believe her!”? Analiz exclaimed. She then took the nearest vase, and threw it to the ground. “I’m sick of this!”

“Don’t throw anything here, I paid for it. To make you feel better, lets call this woman and expose you.” Charles said.

“Fine, but you’ll be proved wrong cheater”

Charles walked toward the window, so he could pick up the phone to call. All of a sudden, outside of his window, he looked out at Ms. Noseyus’ house, and noticed Marie standing there, laughing and gossiping with Ms. Noseyus

“Analiz! Come here. Listen to this.” Charles yelled.

Analiz ran over, and listened in. She listened to all their remarks, and everything they said. Suddenly, Analiz and Charles looked at each other, and finally came to realize what really happened.

Reflection #5. Dear Reader...

Dear Reader,

This was an amazing first semester in “college.” I think I learned so much from this semester, that it’s quite crazy. My goals for this semester were to achieve 90+ in every single one of my classes. Unfortunately, I only achieved this goal for two of my classes. In Mr. Froner’s class and English 120, I achieved my 90+ goals, but in my Creative Writing class, I only achieved an 85. The reason why I only obtained an 85 is because of my midterm. For my midterm, I hardly studied, so I did really bad, I actually failed, but all of my other work was perfect. In my other classes, I felt like I studied more, but I don’t understand why I did, because creative writing is just as important. I’ve learned that for whatever other test I will need to take; I must study hard to pass on college.

            My goal for this semester was to finish homework in advance, and to finish all my homework at the college. I’ve worked very hard to accomplish these goals, and for the most part, this always happened. Whenever I came to the college, I was stress free, because I already knew that I had homework completed in advance.  Sometimes the only problem is that my friends distract me. I’m often drawn to go hang out with them, because it’s like temptation. But I realized that hanging out all the time won’t get you anywhere, since hanging out will not bring you to college, or get you to pass your tests. Sometimes I feel like I need to work on getting distracted by my friends, who aren’t doing anything. I also need to emphasize on studying alone much more often…it helps me get work done much faster.

            This past semester, I took English 120, Creative Writing, and Government and Economics. I did pretty well in all of my classes. I was really impressed with my grades in English 120, as well as in Government and Economics. My grades were 90+. In creative writing, I got an 85, but that was still satisfactory. Next semester I plan to get a 90+ in every single class I take, because it’s extremely important.  In 1 year, I see myself in college, most likely a college that is away from the city. In about 5 years, I see myself as a college graduate, possibly taking the path of medical school or graduate school to become a politician. In ten years, I hope I will have a stable job, be married, but not any kids yet. I want to have a stable job before I have kids or get married, because I should be able to provide for myself before I can provide for anyone else. I plan on achieving these goals by working extremely hard in everything I do and always giving 100%.

            It’s very important to be a great writer. You need to be a successful writer in life because writing can bring you many different places in life. It can provide you with many jobs and opportunities. Writing can help you another subjects because can help you express yourself in writing. In essays, you probably would be able to express your opinion more. In life, writing can help you in an extremely big way. It’s so important to be able to write. When you’re feeling something, you can just express your feelings in writing. Expressing feelings in writing is the best way to go, instead of yelling. It’s a great way to get your point across. Writing also enables one to use their imagination, and allows people to become extremely creative.

            In fiction writing, I learned so much that I never knew about writing before. I learned that in writing, you could express yourself in many different ways. You also put your imagination to work, and you have a more creative mind. You’re able to create your own universe, and I think that’s a great thing to be able to do. I’m proud of myself for being able to do that, because of this class.  I loved writing Journal 11, Part B, Journal 9, and Journal 6a. I believe that those were my most powerful journals.  Journal 11, I think was really great to write. It was very cool to be able to just take items from a room and just create an entire story. It was very interesting to do, and I think I created a great story because of items in a room. Another Journal I enjoyed writing was Journal 9., our subtext piece. I absolutely love subtext. I always speak in subtext with my friends, so it was very interesting to be able to create a story based on subtext. Subtext is a great technique to use, because you can use your creativity, and say several things mean something else. This text was so fun and interesting to create, although mines was very intense and serious. My third favorite journal was journal 6a. I found it very cool that you could just take 6 words, and write and entire story. I love creating stories based on something else. It’s so interesting to take something so original, and change it up. I really loved most journals, but those three were my favorite.

            The concepts in fiction that have come easy to me, is basically telling a great story, and keeping the reader interested. I also know how to control myself when it comes to adding details or subtracting details. If I add too much detail, I would suffocate the reader, and that is something I don’t wish to do. Some concepts that are still difficult for me is describing the setting and also describing some characteristics of the character in my story. That’s hard for me sometimes. But because of class, I have become much better with it. I just need to work on it a little bit more, because people still tell me I need help with that. I plan on strengthening my skills on my own. I can just write my own stories, and see how they turn out. I will continue to write stories, and I can practice these techniques.

            By the end of this year, I hope that in fiction writing class, I become an amazing writer. I want to be able to just write stories whenever I would like, and even when I write stories randomly, they still come out amazing. As a part of this pre-college program, I hope that I become a much more responsible person, and I learn excellent study habits. It’s important to learn these things, because I will be going to college next year, and the college I’m going to will most likely be away from my home. That way, I need to be more responsible, and be able to study well, so I pass all my classes, and get excellent grades.

            This portfolio represents me so much as a person. Many of the stories represent me somehow. For some reason, in my stories, I always add a piece of myself inside. Strong themes in my portfolio include romance, and struggles in life.   I put several things that related to me inside the stories, and that’s what really made my stories really strong, and I’m so proud of myself. I’m so happy that I’ve done this because it helped me to achieve really good grades. As a student, it shows that I’ve grown so much as a student. It shows how my style of writing has changed so much because of this class. I don’t only focus on basic problems anymore…I brought my stories to the real world.

                                                                                    Sincerely,

                                                                                                Laura Kabadi

Under Blinded Eyes, Lies Heart Breaking Lies. - Draft #3- Sudden Fiction

The wind was blowing everywhere, and the sky was turning dark quickly on a cold Monday night. Charles sat on the couch, thinking about everything. He didn’t understand why his wife would cheat on him.  His friend Marie told him she cheated, but he trusted his wife so much, that he thought she would never do that. Charles dark face turned to his wife Analiz’s face, giving her a piercing stare. His eyes became narrow as he stared into her hazel eyes. Charles looked around the living room, at all the furniture, and pictures everywhere. He looked at the life him and Analiz had built together. It brought salty tears to his smooth skin when he thought of what she had done. He couldn’t hold back any longer, and decided to speak up.

“Analiz…”

“What?” she replied.

“What’s going on with Tom? I heard you’ve been creeping around with him.” Charles said in a soft tone.

Analiz’s faced turned red, and she responded, “Why would I do that you idiot. You know I love you, and that it okay. How about you and Marie? I’ve heard you’re always all over her at work. And those texts. Don’t try to make me the bad guy.”

“Hey I never did anything with her, so watch your mouth” Charles screamed. Now his face was turning tomato red, and his palms began to drip with sweat.

“Charles stop lying to me. I’m over it. You think I’m cheating? I take care of your child all the time.  I cook and clean. What else do you think I will do?”

“Invite guys over. Ask Ms. Noseyus, the next-door neighbor. She told me about people coming into the house when I’m working.” Charles yelled.

“Charles! Why can’t you understand she’s a liar! You know that stupid neighbor hates me to death. Why would you believe her!”? Analiz exclaimed. She then took the nearest vase, and threw it to the ground. “I’m sick of this!”

“Don’t throw anything here, I paid for it. To make you feel better, lets call this woman and expose you.” Charles said.

“Fine, but you’ll be proved wrong cheater”

Charles walked toward the window, so he could pick up the phone to call. All of a sudden, outside of his window, he looked out at Ms. Noseyus’ house, and noticed Marie standing there, laughing and gossiping with Ms. Noseyus

“Analiz! Come here. Listen to this.” Charles yelled.

Analiz ran over, and listened in. She listened to all their remarks, and everything they said. Suddenly, Analiz and Charles looked at each other, and finally came to realize what really happened.

Reflection...

During the Workshop process, I learned so much about writing. I learned from the workshop process that you must learn how to take critiques in life. Sometimes people might say things you don’t like, but it’s necessary to make your piece better. For example during one of the workshops, someone was critiquing the way I set up my story, and told me I should change it.  I became upset at first, because I wanted the story to be that specific way, and the way I wanted it. I didn’t want anyone to change it. But then, quickly I realized that it’s important, I can’t just hold on to things. I have to allow things to flow, so that I learn a lot more. It’s very good to workshop, because it makes you a stronger writer, and it helps you learn to take criticism better.

Journal #11 Part B- When Everything Seemed So Right... It All Turned Wrong.

It was an early summer morning, and Melinda was delighted that she had finally woken up in her own bed. It’s been a hard couple of months, she told herself, bit she wouldn’t change her habits for anyone. The thoughts of the dark lonely cell made her shiver. She went behind bars for being found with pot, and threatening to perform voodoo on someone. Melinda sat up, and stared around at her room. It looked so bland, white walls everywhere. The walls represented a sense of purity to her, a new life. But then she thought I could do whatever I want. She got up, reached for her spray cans, and just started spraying spray paint everywhere. She knew it irked her mom, and she laughed at the thought of irking her family. The thought of her family made her insides shiver, and her body feel hot. Melinda then took the Nintendo 64 and television her brother left in her room, and threw it out the window. She didn’t care. The crap all over her room from her brother was absolutely pointless to her. Melinda felt like going outside for some air, so she grabbed her skateboard, her voodoo materials and soccer ball to head to the park.

Melinda rode through the cool breeze of her small town of Poughkeepsie, New York. Nobody was outside at this time, and she loved it. The beautiful sun was shining on her face, and her beautiful brown locks flew through the wind as she rode fast on her skateboard. Suddenly, she couldn’t control herself on the skateboard, and she fell into a garden of flowers. Flowers got all over her body, her hair, and everywhere. Flowers were everywhere, and the colors confused her. She felt like she hadn’t seen so many colors at once in her life, since her life always seemed to be gray. Melinda slowly rose form the ground, and jetted to the park to sit in her favorite tree, to do what she loves best. She approached the tree, and slowly climbed up, brining her materials with there. She pulled out her pot, lit it up, and smoked it slowly. She didn’t haven any of this in such a long time, and she was overjoyed. It seemed to bring her to another place, another universe that she never wanted to leave, that just washed all her troubles away. When she was done, she let the blunt fall to the ground. She was now able to get to business.

“Find your victim, know them quick. Otherwise, opportunities will slip.” Melinda said to herself, while reading her book on Voodoo. It interested her so much, and it was her passion. When she got older, she hoped to become a Voodoo master when she got older…but the problem was that it ALWAYS got her in trouble. The book was teaching her to become the perfect voodoo artist, and she loved it. She took the slinky, and the doll, and tried to copy the experiments they described in the book. It was hard, but she wouldn’t stop until she met her goal. She blasted music from her iPhone 4 and used her iPod touch as a part of her ritual. Her ball fell off the tree, but she didn’t care. She was in a whole other place, and there was no turning back. She was really getting into the moment, and she was reaching the point where she just might get to what she was looking for. Her mind racing, chest pumping, body hot, and her mind on a high, nothing could control her. She was making noises, causing a disturbance, and she couldn’t see anything going on around her. All of a sudden, something snapped her out of her moment. “Melinda, it’s you again. Hands up, get down, you’re going back.” 

Journal #11 Part A- Ordinary and Extraordinary places..

Ordinary Place – Chuck E. Cheese’s 

Kenny saw colors everywhere. He was so happy, for he was at Chuck E Cheese’s. Suddenly, Kenny fell into a pool of colorful toys at Chuck E Cheese’s. He felt like he couldn’t stop going down. The toys seemed to be swallowing him, and no matter how much he fought to get up, he couldn’t move. Finally, after some time the pool released him from it’s tight grip. When he came up, he discovered the mouse look over him, with a creepy smile. What just happened? He will never know.

Extraordinary Place

John and Picky Walked into the blah blah bar, and while walking in, the entrance looked like a huge mouth. Blah Blah bar was where everyone in the neighborhood came to socialize, drink and have some fun, but mostly talk. They went straight to the bartender, and asked to pour a couple of his best shots fro them. All night, Picky drowned himself in alcohol and suddenly passed out. John had no idea what to do so he ran away, outside of the Blah Blah bar, ran into a taxi and went home. He never felt so guilty in his whole life.

Sudden Fiction - Draft #2 + Reflection

It was a cold Monday night, the worst day of the week for Analiz and her husband. They sat quietly in the antique living, room just hating being around each other at the moment. Analiz’s hazel eyes stared at Charles’ dark face as he watched the television. She didn’t understand why he didn’t want to ever speak about the dilemma occurring within their relationship. The snow outside made the situation even worse, because it made her feel cold, and more alone. She missed the streets of New York City, and she gave up so much to move Boston for him. She always felt really lonely, with no one to go to.  Her mind started racing, and tears dripped down her smooth caramel skin. She couldn’t hold back any longer.

“I’m so sick of the lies, you’re so annoying! I don’t understand why you stay with me if you’re constantly going to destroy my character!” said Analiz.

“What am I doing? What the hell am I doing? Why am I always wrong? Tell me what have I done now?” Charles screamed.

“Shut up! You’re going to wake the child.”

“Do I even care? Do I know it’s even mine?” Charles screamed even louder.

“Charles! How dare you say something like that? I’m so disappointed. I swear, how can you deny your own child?”

“How could I not? My friends told me you got down with all of them!”

“Seriously? Which friends Charles?”

“Can’t say. You should know Ms. Sleep around with everyone!”

“Charles stop talking! You have absolutely no proof since you won’t tell me who. I heard from my best friend you’re always flirting with that ugly charcoal skinned ugly weave wearing hoe Marie that you know I hate.”

Charles began to get nervous. His large palms started getting sweaty… He didn’t want to lose his girl over a side chick.

“Analiz, no. I never did! And if you won’t believe me fine. I’m going to bed. I can’t deal with your crap anymore!”

Charles marched away with his face to the floor, tears running down his strong bone structure. He loved his girlfriend and never would have thought she would do something like this to him. He also wondered who told her the lies. He thought about Analiz’s beautiful face, her perfect long silky hair, and her five star body. She was the most beautiful girl. He just didn’t want to admit to the face that he only heard the information from Marie, the girl at work. After finishing his smoke, he walked into the house, and saw Analiz sleeping on the couch. “Another night alone.” He mumbled to himself, and slowly walked to his deserted room. He lay on the bed, and with so many thoughts racing through his mind, he escaped to dreamland.

“Hey Charles, what’s up hun?”

“Marie, Can you please go away? I’m not in the mood right now I need to do my work, “ Charles said, staring around at the gloomy office. It was raining and snowing outside and it reminded him of him and his Wife’s relationship.

“Is the baby momma bothering you again?” Marie said.

“Not really, just you know…stuff. I don’t know. Our relationship is slowly falling, and it’s breaking my heart into pieces.” Charles felt his body getting hot.

“Well babe…you know I could always make you feel better. I know how to show you a good time,” Marie said in a seductive tone.

“What do you mean?”

“Oh…just I could show you a little something. Make you better.” Marie entered his cubicle and began to approach him, stroking his hair softly.

“Marie, don’t try this on me.  Seriously. I’ve heard about you. You will ruin me.”

“No I won’t. I’ll just make you better sexy.” She slowly put her hand on top of his and began to massage his hand. Charles didn’t know what to think. His mind was racing like he was in a marathon, and he began to get sweaty. So many things were running across his mind at one moment.

“Really Charles? Her. Marie of all people? I can’t believe you. The girl I hate most of all? That has always been trying to ruin us? Really?” said Alaniz, as she walked into his office cubicle. Charles saw her and she was looking more beautiful than ever. He smiled at her, but then realized what was going on, and the smile quickly turned to a frown.  

“She’s the one who won’t leave me alone.” Charles cried.

“Charles. You KNOW how I feel about her.”

“Babe, you know I told you I don’t mess with this girl!” Charles yelled, as Marie stood in the back chuckling.

“Why do I find you with your hand in hers?”

“Oh hello Analiz. Nice to meet you again. Your “husband” is sick of you. He needs me. I’m trying to help him out right now, so Shoo shoo, like your husband is doing to you. Shoo cutie. “ Marie said, laughing, and her dark eyes, piercing Analiz’s heart.

“I will. HAPPILY.”  Said Analiz as she hurried away, tears racing down her face, her body pumping, chest hot, and hand sweating. She couldn’t believe it. And now, her life would go down a never-ending hole of dismay.

Reflection #2

Due to the feedback I have received in my workshop, I now know that I need to focus mostly on one character in the story. In my draft, I focused on too many characters at once, and it confused many people that read my story. I also need to let the reader think that both of them are cheaters, so that at the end, I can just surprise the reader with what is going on. I also learned that I need to incorporate the setting and the weather with the way my character is feeling, and I also need to describe the characters’ personalities and appearances better. I think work shopping helps a lot because it helps you get amazing feedback from your peers, that can only help and make your piece better. Every time I see someone critique my work, I see that my work is only getting better and better.