Journal #4- No Light at the End of the Tunnel.

            “You’re a loser, you’re a disgrace to this family, Christopher Banderdault!” That phrase wouldn’t stop playing in Chris’ head. He pictured how his fathers face was tomato red when he yelled that phrase. He remembered his mothers face, salty tears streaking down her face, bringing down her mascara. “Leave this house immediately and never return until you have learned to grow up!” His father yelled, many years ago. He sat in his cold dark room, trembling at the though that he is an embarrassment to his family that was lucrative with success. He reminisced about how sweet life used to be when he was younger. Every night, Chris came home smelling of grease and sweat, panting excessively.

He thought about why everyone in his family is successful, except him. He was the only deadbeat. He always wished to be successful, but it seemed to never come through. Thoughts of the past 5 years of his life caused him to shiver, thinking of that frigid lonely cell. He wished he never took that road. He looked down at himself, couldn’t even take a look at his feet. Everything seemed to discourage him. Everyone had given up on Chris and he lived a life of shame. Only bad things about him ran astray in peoples’ minds. Slowly, Chris approached his bathtub. He filled the tub to the rim, and slowly stepped in. His heart racing, blood pumping and sweat trickling down his pudgy face, his mind was running wild. He slowly descended into the darkness, and never came to see the light again

            

Reflection #1

            I really enjoyed reading “Shitty First Drafts.” It was a really interesting piece and it really related to the way I act with first drafts. Of all of the readings, my favorite was this one. Sometimes I would think that my first draft has to be absolutely amazing so I would always strive for excellence in my first draft. But this piece helped me figure out that my first draft doesn’t have to be prize worthy. It could be a piece of crap, as the author said.

“ The first draft is the child’s draft, where you let it all pour it out then let it romp all over the place, knowing that no one is going to see it and that you can shape it later. You just let this childlike part of you channel whatever voices and visions come through and onto the page” – (Lamott 16)

I really liked this quote because that’s what really made me realize my first draft doesn’t have to be amazing. I learned that in a first draft, you just write about everything you feel. Sometimes a first draft doesn’t even have to make too much sense. It could just be all the thoughts in your head coming out on paper. I think that the first draft could be like your childhood. In your childhood, you’re able to make mistakes. But as you get older, when you make mistakes, there are more consequences. Just like with your 2^nd and 3^rd drafts, you have to get better, and perfect your paper. When you get older, there’s no room for mistakes, because a little mistake can reflect how your life will be forever. Just like in a paper, one little mistake could affect people’s view on you or your grade forever.

            “Why I write” by Joan Didion was a little difficult to read, because I found it a little boring. Even though I thought the piece wasn’t that good, she actually made some valid points about writing. She mostly spoke about how one doesn’t just automatically wake up one day and say that they’re a writer. Sometimes someone could be a really bad writer and then turn into an amazing writer. One thing I admire about Didion is how she finds her inspirations to write. She just sits down and watches people pass by, and then she just writes about them and creates a story based on them. I found that a very cool way to write.

“Had my credentials been in order I would never become a writer. Had I been blessed with even limited access to my own mind there would have been no reason to write.”(Didion 18)

This quote is basically saying that if she had been on prepared and knew everything about writing, she wouldn’t of had become a good writer. She says that in order to be a good writer; you don’t have to start out amazing. If she had more access to her brain and ideas, she wouldn’t become so good. I really like this quote because it shows that you don’t need to be the absolute best person in the world to become an amazing writer. I like that quote but overall I didn’t like the essay too much.

            I think that the essay “ To See your story Clearly, Start by Pulling the Wool over Your Own Eyes” by Kent Haruf is a boring essay. I often found myself zoning out while reading it. To be honest, I actually didn’t really understand the essay. Throughout the whole time reading it, I kept asking myself, what exactly does this mean? Why is it written this way? It confused me. I feel as if the essay jumped around everywhere. First, the author spoke about some places his friends have gone I believe and then about some paper he is attached to. I didn’t really understand this philosophy. I wish I could include quotes from this essay, but I really can’t since I didn’t quite understand it.

            I really like the essay “For Authors, Fragile Ideas Need Loving Every Day” by Walter Mosley. It is actually really good and interesting. I agree with his words, saying that if you want to be a writer, you have to write every single day. If you don’t write everyday, you can’t really become a good writer. You must also have an absolutely passion for it. When you write, so many thoughts and ideas in your head can go on to paper. I love the way Mosley uses a lot of similes to explain to everyone how important it is to write.

“Reality fights against your dreams, it tries to deny creation and change. The world wants you to be someone known, someone with solid idea, not blowing smoke. Given a day, reality will begin to scatter your notions; given two days, it will drive them off” –(Mosley 164)

I really love this quote because it has such great meaning. He is trying to say in these days; it’s so hard to be different, because people in this world will only try to shoot you down. It tries to stop anyone from being really different. Even if people try to shut down your ideas, you must always try to push to get them through, and someday the world will accept them. This quote relates to me a lot, because in life I’ve tried to be an individual in many different ways and many times. Even when I do sometimes, my thoughts and ideas are shot down. But either way, I still try to fight for what I think is right because it’s very important to. If you don’t, you can’t leave a stamp on the harsh world of today. 

Journal #2 - List of Things

Things That…

1.     Make Me Laugh…

-       Kingsley

-       My Friends

-       Corny Jokes

-       Myself

-       Kevin Hart

Out of all these things, my friends make me laugh the most. Every time I’m with my friends, I’m literally dying of laughter. They just make the best out of the worst.  We laugh at just about everything. It just feels amazing to be with people you can always relate to and be happy with. I remember the other day while I was hanging with some of my best friends; we were just speaking about a funny character. Even the dumbest, corniest jokes said were laughed at for ages. You could see on all of my friend’s faces they were enjoying themselves. I love my friends so much and appreciate them for everything, especially for making me laugh 24/7.

2.     Inspire Me…

-       Lady Gaga

-       My Mother

-       My Aunt

-       Big Sean

-       My Pediatrician

I absolutely love Lady Gaga. She is the most amazing artist I’ve ever seen, and I’m not even lying one bit. Ever since her first hit “Just Dance” I’ve fallen in love with her music. She’s so amazingly talented. She teaches people that it’s okay to be who you are, and you should always be true to you. Don’t live to anyone’s expectations but your own. I adore her individuality. It’s amazing how unique one person can be in so many ways. I remember one day, I was just listening to her album, “Born This Way” and then watching one of her interviews.  As her lyrics streamed through my ears, and I watched my inspiration on the television, salty tears began to stream down my face. I couldn’t believe an artist could have such a huge impact on me. She told me I was born this way.

3.     I Wish I Never Said…

-“I can’t be with you anymore”

-“I love you”

-“I hate you forever”

-“Curse Words”

-“I’m Sorry for breaking up with you”

            The think I regret saying the most is I love you. Sometimes I believe that I love too fast. I remember one night with my ex-boyfriend, my “first love. “It wasn’t too long after we started dating. I had a feeling that was indescribable. It was a beautiful summer night, and we were just sitting there, holding hands, doing things that lovers do. It’s like no one could have snatched me out of that beautiful moment. Then suddenly, I whispered in his ear, I love you, forever. I choked a bit after saying that, because I said it too fast. Now, about a year later, we’re no longer together. Every time I think of that night, I want to cry because I spoke too fast.

4.     I am afraid of…

-Rodents

-Chickens

-Pigeons

-God

-The Dark

      I absolutely hate pigeons. They scare me so much. One day, I was taking a walk by the river, because I didn’t feel like being at home. It was a bit chilly outside so I took a seat. Suddenly, I see one of those hideous birds walking by. My heart starts beating like a drum whenever I see one of them next to me. I tried shooing it away, but it wouldn’t budge. Now my heart was racing, and I have no idea why I was so scared. I thought it would attack me. So then I just got up and ran away and I was basically brought to tears. They make me feel so scared and uncomfortable. I hate them with a passion.  That dumb pigeon ruined my wonderful walk.

5.     I love to eat…

-Seafood

-Cheeseburgers

-Salad

-Ice Cream

-Chocolate

      Ice cream is my life. I love ice cream. I could eat it forever if I had to. Sometimes, it’s like we have a weird connection. I remember one day, a few weeks ago I was hanging out with my friends. For some reason, I was really craving ice cream. I just love how sweet and cold it is. All of a sudden, the tune of an ice cream truck was ringing in my ears. I was so happy I got up and ran after the truck like a child. I looked quite ridiculous, but I didn’t care. I needed my ice cream! Then I got my favorite flavor, vanilla with rainbow sprinkles and red dip. I felt like a little child that day.

           

6.     I would like to do before I die…

-Skydive

-Have Kids

-Meet Lady Gaga

-Meet Big Sean

-See an actual Panda

The thing I want to do most before I die is to have kids. I love little children they’re so adorable! I know it will be tough when they arrive but they’re so adorable. Their cuteness could make someone melt into a puddle! I remember when my baby cousin was first born, and I held her in my arms. She was so tiny and delicate, and I stared into eyes. It’s so amazing how a baby is born so amazingly beautiful. At that exact moment, I wondered how it would feel to hold a child in my arms, and I would be able to call that child mine. That day I absolutely fell in love with children.

7.     I look for in a guy…

-Attractiveness

-Cute Personality

-Sense of Humor

-Romantic

- Completely Faithful

To me, I think the most important thing to me in a guy is their sense of humor. I can’t deal with someone who is always serious because that just leaves a relationship absolutely boring and pointless. I’m the type of person that can laugh until I pee on myself, cry, or get a stomachache. I love to smile and be happy. If a guy is just going to be boring, sit there, and take everything so serious, they can’t be mine no matter if their completely faithful, romantic, have a cute personality and are super Attractive.

8.     Make me sad….

-Poverty

-Terrorism

-War

-Animal Torture

-Corrupt Governments

The thing that hurts me most and makes me the saddest is poverty in the whole world. I remember last summer in 2010, when I went to Chad. In Chad, there are so many people that live below the poverty line. Sometimes, when I would drive by in a car, I would see utter devastation. It was so sad that sometimes the tears would start rolling. People are as thin as sticks, and have nothing to look forward to in life. Every time I see poverty anywhere in the world, it makes me want to help the people suffering. Poverty is a world issue that really needs to be addressed.

9.     I love to drink…

-       Water

-       Pink Lemonade

-       Shirley Temples (virgin)

-       Ginger Ale

-       Sunkist

My favorite drink of them all is Shirley Temples. They are my absolute addiction. Even though water is usually top, there is something about Shirley Temples that blow my mind. They taste so fruity and then bubbly. I remember when I was in fifth grade; at my aunt’s wedding I was first introduced to the marvelous drink. I was so happy drinking it and I have to say I must have had 10 glasses. It was like I was drunk off of them. I remember after all those drinks I rushed to the bathroom! I will never ever forget the amazing day I met the best drink invented.

10. I love to do…

-       Swim

-       Dance

-       Cook

-       Hang out with friends

-       Talk on the phone

Swimming has been my passion since I was about 3 years old. I love to swim. Once I hit the water, it’s like I turn into a fish at sea. I remember one day in summer camp, we were having a swimming competition, and my team chose me to be the last one to swim. I was so nervous. When it was my turn to go up, my heart was racing like it was on a track field. I got a huge rush of adrenaline once the whistle was blown. I dived in the water, and swam as fast as I could. I knew the other girls were catching up, so I just pushed myself harder. Soon enough I was far ahead, and I won the race. I was absolutely proud of myself and so happy. Swimming is something I could never stop loving.

11. I can’t live without…

-My family

-My friends

-My laptop

-Food/ Water

-My Phone

It’s a hard decision to choose between these things. But I think my family comes before anybody. I love them with my heart. We have had a million good times together that I could never forget. They make up most of my support system, and I could never put any item before them. Although sometimes we might fight and disagree over things, nothing can separate us. You can separate friends, but with family, it’s in your blood.

12. I take for granted…

-Money

-Clothes

-Advice from others

-School (sometimes)

-My life

The thing I take for granted the most I think is money. When I get money I just feel like I always have to spend it on clothes. I have no idea why I’m like that. But one day, that all came to a halt. I’m not sure what happened, but I was shopping one day and then I stopped and started thinking about how I spend too much money. I was about to spend so much money on something I could definitely get for a cheaper price. Then I just dropped my clothes and left the store. I felt bad and thought about some of those people who don’t have anything while I have so much and sometimes can be considered to be too much. I think I still have a shopping problem, but it’s getting a little better. I’m stepping towards learning to not take things for granted, because I will never know one day in life I might need that money.

13. I hate to do…

-Clean

-Run

-Speak in front of a large audience

-Being patient

-Crying

                       

I hate speaking in front of large groups. To some people, I may not seem like that type, but I’m actually really afraid to speak in front of people. I’m always afraid that someone will judge what I have to say, and probably shoot down my ideas. Before I share something, my heart starts to beat like really fast, and sometimes I feel like I’m choking on something. Then I get really nervous. But the good thing is that over the years, I’ve improved. I’m not as scared to share my ideas.

14. My favorite songs right now…

-Marvin and Chardonnay- Big Sean ft. Kanye West and Roscoe Dash

-Best Thing I Never Had – Beyoncé

-You and I- Lady Gaga

-Blowing Me Kisses – Soulja Boy

-Marry The Night – Lady Gaga

The best song of these five is Marry The Night. I absolutely love this song. It’s so inspiring. Whenever I listen to the song, I get into a hyperactive mode, and I get really happy. The song speaks about how her parents won’t accept her passion, and people around her don’t want her to be herself. Gaga also speaks about how she wants to be cool like everyone else but it’s hard to achieve. But in the end, she’s just going to embrace the things they say, and turn it into something really good.

15. I do when I’m bored…

-Use the Computer

-Dance

-Sit and Think

-Check the fridge

-Call Somebody

            Whenever I’m bored, the thing I do most is think. I love to just sit down and think about so much going on in my life. It’s like whenever I just sit and think about stuff, my mind takes me on an ultimate adventure. I think of a wide variety of things. Most of the time they’re happy thoughts, but sometimes-sad thoughts. Thinking gives me time to make decisions that I need to make in life. I love to think, and you can never cease to think in life.

16. I hate…

-Extremely Fat people that wear very tight and revealing clothing

-People that wear Uggs in the summer time

-Cocky girls and Boys

-People that are extremely racist

-The Bush Administration

The thing that irks me a lot on this list are people that wear Uggs in the summer time. When I see these kinds of people, I just want to destroy their shoes. I wonder to myself, are these people weather confused? Did they check the weather this morning? I remember one day I was walking to work in the city. It was literally 90 degrees outside, and the sun was hitting my face. I was burning up. That’s when I saw the teenage looking girl with Uggs and a pair of booty shorts. I want to take my sweaty hand and smack her. Just thinking about how dumb the girl is made me even hotter. Like, how could you think of a dumb outfit like that? It irks me so much. I hope that one day, girls will really learn commonsense.

17. Have traumatized me…

-The video of a rat crawling on a homeless guy in a train

-A certain person.

-When a monkey strangled my brother

-When I witnessed my father almost being killed.

-All the horror movies I’ve watched

The video of a rat crawling on a homeless guy on the 4 train is the scariest video I think I’ve ever seen in my life. When I first heard about it, I was confused. How could someone not feel a rat that is like a foot long crawling on him? So I went to Global Kids that day, and they wanted to show us the video, and see everyone’s reaction. So I watched, and saw the rat crawl on the guy. I actually yelled. I think I was more nervous than anyone on the train. I even started shaking. I had to run away with my hands on my face. I HATE RODENTS. They’re so disgusting. Now whenever I take the train, I get so scared. When I see the rats in the train tracks, I cringe. That dumb rat traumatized me.

18. Make me think of my first 3 years in High School…

-Shaq!

-When I see someone wearing a white collard shit and black bottoms

-When someone uses the word scholar

-When I smell someone that smells like absolute smoke

-Whenever someone speaks really slowly

            Whenever I see someone wearing a white collard shirt and some black bottoms, I’m like to myself, what is that person thinking? I think MHSHS made me hate wearing black and white. It’s not like we have a uniform, it’s a dress code so its like any white collard shirt and any black bottoms. I became so sick of wearing those two colors everyday. Whenever I see someone in that attire, I begin to laugh. I’m so happy we’re not stuck with those colors anymore! Now my closet is mostly eliminated of white collars and black bottoms. For the past 3 years, that was the majority!

19. I love to tweet about (on Twitter) …

-Big Sean

-Things I hate

-People that annoy me

-My Family

-World Issues

Honestly, I’m not going to lie. I think I tweet the most about Big Sean out of all these things. The Things that I hate comes closely behind but I believe that Big Sean takes the cake. I absolutely adore Big Sean. He is my favorite rapper and I really don’t care what anybody says. First of all, he is so attractive. Second, I love how he rose from nothing and is “Finally Famous.” He is such a huge inspiration to me. Everyday I tweet about how much I love him and I hope to meet him one day. I always try to tweet him so he could at least retweet or follow me. I also love his music. It’s amazing, so deep and has great meaning. I love Big Sean!

20. I hate to eat….

-Peas

-Beans

-Cous Cous

-Fish With bones

-Raisins

The thing I hate to eat most of all these things are beans. Even jellybeans disgust me. I have no idea why I hate them so much. I remember one day my aunt made me eat some baked beans. I literally wanted to die. When the beans touched my mouth, I felt like someone was twisting my stomach with something sharp. My face looked like I was about to cry or something. My facial expression expressed how disgusted I was. I couldn’t believe how disgusting a food could taste. Beans make me cringe. I hate when people add beans to anything. When people actually do, I don’t eat any of it. I wish beans never existed.